Mom of No Rank
I'm not bossy; i'm just temporarily standing where the boss would be if there were a boss in this particular moment
There is a famous Zen koan originating from the Chinese master Lin-Chi that goes something like, "In the lump of naked flesh there is a true man of no rank going in and out of your face. Who is it?"
Who is it? Who are you?
There are few things a child can wreak greater havoc on than a person who does not know who they are. Conversely, a person who is sure they know they are a permanent and specific manifestation can wreak greater havoc on few things other than a child.
When you've literally grown a little being inside your body, when you've been present for every moment of their short lives, when you've cared for their every need, when you've dreamed and planned for what their lives with you will be like, it's pretty hard not to think of the child as an extension of yourself. You came first, and they came next, following in your footsteps. From that perspective, the dynamic is set, the roles are set, and the hierarchy is defined. You make rules, and they follow them.
Or, if you prefer a more gentle story, you teach, and they learn. Still...havoc.
One way to think of having no rank is to see that you are neither superior nor inferior to any other being. You and your child are on equal footing and of equal importance -- you are not more, and they are not less.
Someone reading that is thinking that they are ahead of this game, because they already know that. They may not know, though, that their child is not more either, and that they are not less.
Hearing this can be pretty threatening. If you are not the boss, who gets things done? Who keeps the peace? If you are not the boss, aren't we all going to be rubbing spaghetti into the couch cushions and brushing our teeth with glitter? Won't we all be late to school?
And, if your child is not more important than you are, who is to say that you won't sacrifice their well-being to serve yourself? What if you spend your money on donuts instead of their medication? What if you sleep in instead of taking them to the art museum?
For me, no rank just means no inherent or permanent rank. It just means there is no disparity in value, and no before and after, no big and little, no subject and object. You are not choosing between yourself and your child, because there is only one situation. There are no scales to weigh, no arrow to point -- just one great net.
When you act from this place, you naturally do what is appropriate. You set rules because they are helpful to everyone, from your child to yourself to society as a whole. You put your child before yourself often, because they need more support than you do at this point in all of your lives.
These things, as all things, are subject to change.
Who is it? Who are you?
There are few things a child can wreak greater havoc on than a person who does not know who they are. Conversely, a person who is sure they know they are a permanent and specific manifestation can wreak greater havoc on few things other than a child.
When you've literally grown a little being inside your body, when you've been present for every moment of their short lives, when you've cared for their every need, when you've dreamed and planned for what their lives with you will be like, it's pretty hard not to think of the child as an extension of yourself. You came first, and they came next, following in your footsteps. From that perspective, the dynamic is set, the roles are set, and the hierarchy is defined. You make rules, and they follow them.
Or, if you prefer a more gentle story, you teach, and they learn. Still...havoc.
One way to think of having no rank is to see that you are neither superior nor inferior to any other being. You and your child are on equal footing and of equal importance -- you are not more, and they are not less.
Someone reading that is thinking that they are ahead of this game, because they already know that. They may not know, though, that their child is not more either, and that they are not less.
Hearing this can be pretty threatening. If you are not the boss, who gets things done? Who keeps the peace? If you are not the boss, aren't we all going to be rubbing spaghetti into the couch cushions and brushing our teeth with glitter? Won't we all be late to school?
And, if your child is not more important than you are, who is to say that you won't sacrifice their well-being to serve yourself? What if you spend your money on donuts instead of their medication? What if you sleep in instead of taking them to the art museum?
For me, no rank just means no inherent or permanent rank. It just means there is no disparity in value, and no before and after, no big and little, no subject and object. You are not choosing between yourself and your child, because there is only one situation. There are no scales to weigh, no arrow to point -- just one great net.
When you act from this place, you naturally do what is appropriate. You set rules because they are helpful to everyone, from your child to yourself to society as a whole. You put your child before yourself often, because they need more support than you do at this point in all of your lives.
These things, as all things, are subject to change.
Gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this blog!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this blog. I came here after your wonderful review of Thanksgiving Candy Corn. Please do Bucees weird Tx food next!
ReplyDeleteAlso wanted to say, your profile pic looks weirdly alike my friend in Tx. She is a Wahlberg. I might give her the candy corn but she'd disown me lol.